Wednesday, October 29th, 2014 is the day our lives were forever changed. We awoke early that morning after both of of is only sleeping for an hour. I don't think my mind turned off the entire night. What was she going to look like? Was I really ready for a child? Would I be a good mom? What if Steven and I's relationship changed for the worse? How much was this surgery going to hurt? What if I throw up while cut open? I'm scared.... I'm so scared. I think I thought through those questions and more for hours upon hours. A little after 3 am, I remember asking Steven if he was asleep...no, no he wasn't :) Within a few minutes of figuring out he was awake, I really woke him up with the statement, "I think my water is breaking!" Oh well, we are going to the hospital in 3 hours.... we'll just wait ;-)
We arrived at the hospital at 7 am. We had done all the pre-op blood and paperwork the day before so we were set to go! Our surgery was set for 9 am with the doctor I had told Steven the day we found out I was pregnant that I wanted her to deliver our baby. Kinda cool how it worked out. I remember walking in with Steven holding his hand, looking around at everyone going on with their lives... It was just a normal day for them. But for us, it was the most special day! I remember thinking "I wonder if they know it's a special day for us!" It was the strangest thing just walking into the hospital and up to the security guard and muttering the words, "We are here to have a baby! I have a c section at 9 am."
So surreal. Was this really happening?
We were told to take the elevators to the second floor but got off on the wrong floor and had to try again. Haha. I remember asking Steven why he took us to only the first floor? He had counted the lobby as the "first" floor. We laughed and quietly walked onto the second floor. It was so quiet. No one was really around but the lady at the check in desk checked us in and then we waited in a small waiting area to be called back. We were the only ones on the floor it felt like. Dr. Mohr, who delivered our baby, came by in her scrubs all excited for us asking if we were ready. Yep, we were as ready as we would ever be! After a few minutes we were taken back to triage. It was really quiet back there too. I remember telling Steven I had imagined triage different in my head. I thought there would be women screaming in pain waiting to be told they were being admitted. Nope. We were the only ones in triage for the first little while. I was given the oh, so sexy gown and socks to change in to. After a few minutes, they started prepping me. By the time we got to triage, I wasn't nervous anymore. We both were a lot more at peace. They got the IV started and the fetal monitor. It was cool watching my contractions every few minutes and hearing her sweet heartbeat. Eventually, Dr. Mohr came in to recheck me to see if she was still breech. Yep, she was! She had her sweet little legs crossed and was sitting indian style. And the prepping continued from there. I had no idea that being given iv fluids made you pee so much. Goodness. It was quite the event to get everything ready to make the walk to the bathroom with Steven holding the iv pole while I peed and trying not to fall over the cords, haha.
We were in the triage room until almost 9 am. Different nurses and people came in and out. We signed paperwork to have her stem cells donated but I don't believe she qualified. Apparently, it's really hard to get the "perfect"'donation. After that, they wiped my belly with some antiseptic stuff which made me really itchy. The iv on my left arm was bugging me because I could feel it pulling when I moved which was a weird feeling. I was told I could stand up as much as I wanted and they encouraged me to move around. Steven and I towards the end just stood there, holding each other and praying as I was starting to get nervous once I was told it would be happening soon.
All of the sudden, right before 9 am, it started getting really busy in my room. People were coming in and out in full scrubs introducing themselves to me. I was getting more nervous but didn't want them to know so I just kept taking and smiling so I could ignore those feelings. A bunch of different people came in and told us "it's time!" Everyone gathered around my bed and started pushing me towards the OR. I believe Steven was walking near my head. I just looked around at everyone in the halls and smiled thinking "they have to know! Everyone is so excited for me!!" We got to this hall and there was an open door on the right side with a tv I could see. Steven was told to go in there, change into scrubs and wait. I thought I would cry when he had to leave me. I didn't. He kissed me on my forehead and "see you soon!" Weirdly, by this point, I wasn't nervous anymore. I was at complete peace and just calm. When I was rolled into the OR I remember thinking it looked like a scene out of Grey's Anatomy. Dr. Mohr asked me what I thought about it, if it was scary to me. Nope, just like a tv show I said. As soon as I was rolled into the room, it got busier and busier. There was a girl standing in the back who was going to observe her first c section I remember. The girls kept talking to me and laughing which was super nice because it kept my mind off what was going to happen. They had me slide onto this super slim table. I told them there was no way that my butt would fit on that table and they all just started laughing. It was so small! Like the width of my torso! Anyways, as soon as I was on the table, I was told to sit on the edge. They opened the back of my gown and had me hunch over with my chin to my chest. The anesthesiologist loudly gasped and said "oh wow!" I asked her if something was wrong with me because she made it seem like something was wrong with my back. She said no, and used some big medical term for my spinal column or something in my back, haha. Basically, she said I had the most perfect spine for a spinal block because something was perfectly spaced. So random. Haha. The nurse in front of me held my head on her shoulder and talked to me. She asked me what I was naming our baby girl but I could tell she was watching what was being done to me and only asking to distract me, haha. But I appreciated the distraction. Once the spinal block was in, it really got kicked into high gear! I was immediately laid down and a catheter put in. I remember the girl who put it in telling one of the nurses she didn't know if it was in and I thought that was odd at the time. Another nurse while she was doing that was taking a cold cloth and starting at my collar bone and moving down, was asking me if I could feel it. I could feel it at my neck and chest and I told her I could feel it on my stomach but then realized I couldn't feel the temperature of it, just that something was on my skin. The spinal block took a few minutes to take effect. I could see my legs still because the cover wasn't up but couldn't move them. It made me really anxious that I couldn't move them because in my head, I was. I just closed my eyes and started praying. I literally never stopped praying bc that's when the anxiousness and weird feelings started. I either laid there with my eyes closed or stared at the ceiling the entire time. I kept my eyes closed most of the surgery bc it was the only way I could keep myself calm, especially once I started getting nauseous. After the cover went up, I'm not sure what they gave me but I started getting sick to my stomach and immediately told the nurse (I had a nurse that stayed by my head the entire time). Steven was not in the room yet and I started feeling myself getting upset. She put an alcohol wipe in front of my nose and said to see if that would help. I asked if they had started yet and she said hold on, they have already started cutting. It made me feel a little better knowing they had at least started. She gave me some anti-nausea med that took the edge off. Steven was brought in right after they started cutting and I told him I was right, he did look good in scrubs ;-). He sat right next to the left side of my head. It all happened so fast after that. Right after he came in I felt a ton of pulling. I tried not to think about the fact that I could feel them pulling me open. One thing I/we were not prepared for was the sound of them sucking the amniotic fluid out. It makes sense that they would have to do that, but it was such a weird and nasty sound. Ew. A few seconds in, Dr. Mohr quickly said, "I see a butt! And feet!" Within seconds, she was declaring "it's a girl!" and after a few seconds we heard her sweet, raspy cry. Steven and I just looked at each other with tears in our eyes and smiled. They were all saying how beautiful she was. After a few more seconds she was brought around the screen and showed to us. Right after she was born I started feeling really, really weird and sick. I told the nurse that I was really sick feeling and the doctor nonchalantly said, "oh, that's because I just put your uterus back in!" Uhhhh. Okay? I was given even more anti-nausea meds too. Steven left shortly after that with the baby and they started sewing me back up. I started getting this horrible pain in my entire back and neck and at one point and started writhing on the table. I remember being so uncomfortable that I tried sitting up. I just remember feeling so weird and so bad and just praying and praying. They gave me some anxiety and pain meds which helped a lot. The nurse by my head was such a God send. She was calm when I needed someone to help focus me. She checked in with me continuously throughout the entire procedure.
After they sewed me back up, the lights came back on (Steven says they were on the entire time, but I swear they were off because I remember the entire room being pitch black except for the bright light over my belly). A couple of the nurses gathered around me and covered me in warm blankets and then all together, picked me up to move me onto a bed. I remember being scared that the gown was going to "pick" at my stitches and that it was going to hurt to be moved to the hospital bed. But, it didn't. I was wheeled into Recovery and stayed there for awhile. I'm not sure how long I was in there, but that's where I got to really see Haven and hold her for the first time... about a hour or so after the C Section. That's also where they found out she had low blood sugar and she was quickly placed on my chest for a few seconds before she was whisked away for awhile. She was crying and crying when they placed her on me as they had just been sticking her heel and taking a lot of blood, but the second I whispered her name she stopped crying :-) In recovery, I felt awful. My skin was crawling. I literally wanted to rip my skin off. I mentioned feeling nauseous and just plain awful to the nurses and they said that was a side effect of the Morphine. I hate that drug for now on. After being in Recovery for a hour or so, I was finally taken to my postpartum room. I remember we had two nurses rolling me down the hall, I was so nauseous and they had given me these alcohol wipes to smell to help with the nausea. I had them laughing so hard because I was practically cramming them up my nose, haha. It helped to laugh and joke around to get my mind off the fact I felt like I was dying, haha. Once we got to the room, we had a few minutes to ourselves with our sweet babe before we told all our family they could come up. My parents came in first and I'll never forget my mom's face seeing Haven for the first time :) I could see the Bockmann's peaking in from the hall and I told them to come in too! I was just so excited to see everyone and to have them meet Haven. It was so special watching them all meet her for the first time.
I was so uncomfortable that day due the intense, overwhelming itching all over my body from the morphine wearing off. It was literally, the worse itching I've ever experienced in my life. I asked the nurse for some medicine for it but she said it's either take some Benedryl and fall asleep or tough it out and enjoy the family and Haven for the day. I chose to tough it out as I wanted to enjoy my sweet girl and our families. But boy, was it not fun. The day of surgery they had me try sitting up for the first time and MAN, did I regret it. I was instantly in so much pain I yelled some not so nice words at the nurse ;-) She didn't ask me again ;-) Just kidding. The next day, they wanted me to try walking but I had to have the catheter taken out first. It wasn't nearly as bad as everyone had made me thought it would be. Another thing I was not prepared for was how bad it would hurt to pee after having a c section/catheter. It was excruciating to say the least. The pain after the c section was hands down the worse pain I've ever experienced in my life. It was a overwhelming, make your knees give out, searing out, crampy, pain. It felt like someone was stabbing me slowly with a knife on fire anytime I would move. Steven was a champ through all of it. He was so loving and selfless and helped me in ways I never thought he would. I remember Thursday (I was prepared for the second day to be the worse but dang, it sure was!), I had finally made it to the bathroom to pee. They had me measuring my pee that day and due to having the catheter in, I could never, ever feel the sensation of a full bladder or have the urge to pee. I had to "re-learn" how to pee according to them. Sounds easy, right? Yeah, not so much. Anyways, I was so tired and in so much pain. I hated having to get up and would start shaking anytime I knew I was going to have to move because if I didn't move, there was no pain. So, after crying and shaking and attempting to walk, I finally made it to the toilet. It was so painful to sit down because you don't realize how many muscles you use to sit on a toilet until they've been cut open ;-) I would sit holding the bar to the right of the toilet and grasping a bar to the left. It was miserable. Anyhow, I was in an overwhelming amount of pain and sobbing. I mean, sobbing. I could tell it killed Steven seeing me in so much pain and not being able to help, he would kneel down and just hold me. He was so sweet and encouraged me to get in the shower. I could barely move in the shower because I was so rigid from being scared to move because it hurt so much. He stood there I don't even know how long and just held the shower head with hot water streaming down my back. It helped relax me so much. The more tense I got from the pain, the worse it was. They had this blue, rectangular ice bag they would fill full of ice for me to hold on my incision site and it was a God send. I would hold it as hard as I could on the incision when I knew I had to move and it would help so much. I remember crying and telling Steven that I didn't think I was ever going to be able to walk pain free again. But, the doctors are right... the more you move, the better you feel and by Friday evening I felt a lot better than Thursday morning. Thursday morning was definitely the hardest day of them all. It was amazing to me how just laying in bed for a few days can make you so weak. Friday evening my mom came to visit us again and my legs were almost giving out just walking short laps around our floor. I no longer question why people get so weak just being bedridden for a few days! I was mostly in bed for 3 days and just three days made me incredibly weak feeling!
We were released Saturday morning around lunch time! It was so nice getting out and so surreal in a way too! My parents had gotten one of those big Stork birds for our yard that said Haven's stats and birthday, etc. It was SO sweet, I absolutely loved it.
There are so many details I am probably leaving out, but, due to the fact that I started writing this in December 2014 and am just now finishing it in November 2015 (?!?!?!) I guess that is expected, HA! Can't believe it's taken me almost a year to finish this! I mean, what have I been doing!? ;-) Kidding.
Our sweet girl turned 1 on Oct. 29th and is the absolute joy of our lives. We thought for many months that she was very calm and had Steven's demeanor, ha. And, while she can be calm and quiet, she most definitely has my personality. She is cuddly and sweet, silly, fiesty, talks nonstop, laughs all the time, loves to mimick us and crawls faster than any baby I know. She's taken a few steps and has even walked halfway across the kitchen a few weeks ago. But, she is not fully walking yet. It's ok though....i'll take baby-ness for as long as I can get it :-D
Sweet Haven Elizabeth, you are our world. Our endless joy.
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