Not gonna lie, but I'm pretty proud of myself. I ran a straight mile today. I know that sounds pathetic to probably everyone, but for me, it's a reason to celebrate. It's so hard getting back into shape after getting out of shape. I want to give up so bad. I want to call it quits and let the visions of a skinny body in a bikini waste away. Ya see, for years I didn't have to work out.  I mean I did work out, but purely just to stay lean and get my cardio in. I could literally eat whatever I wanted and not gain a pound. Not one little, teeny weenie, pound.

Then....

 I hit my 20's. Oh lawd........ I was 106 when I got married 3 years ago. I'm not posting how much I weigh now but it's more than that. Am I horribly fat? No, but as my husband and I like to kid around, I ride the chunker dunker train. Kidding. We don't really say that..it just popped into my head, haha!  I have about 15 lbs to lose to be at what I would consider an ideal weight. Most of it is just toning up.. again. Oy, never a fun process.  I never realized how hard it is to lose weight and how dedicated you have to be. Wow! I tend to be someone who really does not enjoy working out. I find that I tell myself constantly while I'm running that I can't do this. That it's too hard. That my knee hurts too much (which it does when I run). But today, I focused solely on telling myself that I CAN do this. I CAN get back into shape. I CAN run a mile...or more. I CAN. My body wasn't made to just sit around and eat chips and brownies. Yesterday was the "starting" day for us. No more soda, sweets, sugars, etc. Only grilled meat, and fresh fruits and veggies, and water and milk with our cereal. Now, of course we will have our "off" days where we can have some desserts, etc. For instance, this weekend we're breaking out some carrot cake. And, I will thoroughly enjoy every last bite of my slice. Ha.

It's been so upsetting and depressing for me to see pictures of myself when I was in great shape. Weirdly, even when I was what I considered "tiny" I still thought I wasn't in good enough shape. Hey, guess we can't be perfect, right? Steven and I took "before" pictures today and are going to weekly take pictures and track our progress.  Now, of course people who didn't know me before I put on weight probably think I look fine, just a little thick, lol. But for those who knew me, especially my husband, they can tell a difference.

Also, if I could do it all again, the past 3 years that is, haha, I would've have never gone on Amitriptyline for my migraines. I was on it for about a year (just weaned myself off of it in December) and gained a lot of weight on it. No matter what I ate, restricted, or how much I worked out mattered. It was literally like my metabolism had been zapped. I've heard from some doctors that it seems to "take away" your metabolism and that constant hunger is a common side effect. No thank you! Not only did it cause me to gain weight but going off of it caused me to have insomnia...which I still have to this day. I haven't slept through the night without waking up at least once since the middle of December. SO FRUSTRATING!

However, it's not only just about losing weight. It's about getting in shape and getting into a habit of eating right for our future. We want to be parents that are very active with our children. Going hiking, bicycling, camping, running, roller blading, etc. Not only that, but with our parents history of heart problems we need to do this now for ourselves and for our future.

This post isn't merely about me losing weight or how unhappy I am with my image. It's about me trying to find my worth in something other than my image. I've had to really tell myself lately that it doesn't matter if I'm fitting into clothes I wore 3 years ago. It doesn't matter who thinks I'm fat, or skinny, or pretty, or ugly, or whatever! It only matter what Jesus thinks. He loves me and finds me beautiful whether I am 106 lbs or 306 lbs. He doesn't look at my outside. He doesn't judge me on whether or not you can see my abs (Ha, good thing!).  He only cares about my heart. At the end of my life, it's not going to matter what I look like, who I knew, what I accomplished, what name brand things I posses, how much money I have in the bank, or how big my diamond ring is.

I'll wrap this up by quoting the lyrics to one of my favorite songs:

"All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus."

I hope you all have an amazing and blessed week! I have an adorably cute husband in the next room that I'm going to go spend some time with. Ah, I LOVE that man! He truly completes me :-)

Happy Easter ya'll!